Finally, you found love.
After what seems like a lifetime of searching, you found someone who is attractive, kind, caring, hard-working and fun to be around. After several months of dating, you are eagerly waiting to take things to the next level.
Then, you’re blindsided.
Disbelief, denial, and then depression sets in.
You thought the feeling was mutual. But there is no mistaking it, it wasn’t.
It’s over.
This painful reality can be difficult to accept and make it hard to move on. The pain of a breakup or end to a relationship can seem unbearable and it can seem impossible to stop feeling that hurt.
You can’t just shut feelings off as easily as shutting off a light.
But you can’t change how you feel. Or can you?
In her work on emotion regulation, Marsha Linehan (2015) suggests that it is possible to change how you feel about a situation in certain circumstances by using a skill called opposite action.
This is a skill for use when the emotion that you are feeling does NOT fit the facts of the situation, or when acting on your emotion in that situation is NOT effective.
How can feeling love not fit the facts of the situation? Let’s say that you have had a crush on someone for years. You have been friends with the person for what seems like forever. You finally get up enough nerve to tell them how you feel, only to find out that they don’t have the same kind of feelings for you.
Would that cause heartache and pain, absolutely! To feel sadness and disappointment certainly fit the facts of this situation. However, if after this conversation you continue to have feelings of love for this person for several months afterwards, what can happen?
Emotional pain can certainly lead to difficulty accepting the facts of the situation. Who wants to feel the hurt associated with rejection? Continuing to have feelings of love for someone who doesn’t return those feelings does not fit the facts of the situation, and continuing to act on the emotion of love is most definitely not effective.
So you think to yourself: “But maybe they don’t really mean it. Maybe their feelings will change. Maybe they are just confused and need some time to sort things out.”
It may seem hard hearted, but not accepting the end of a relationship can just prolong the misery you feel. Those feelings of love for the other person, don’t fit the facts of the situation.
Driving past their house, secretly monitoring their social media, or sending that gift you already bought them for their birthday all communicate feelings of love for the other person. It’s doubtful that continuing to express feelings of love will change things, or help you get over your heartbreak any faster.
So what is opposite action and how do you use it? This skill seeks to change emotion by first identifying the emotion you are feeling, then the action urge associated with the emotion, and then acting opposite to the action urge associated with the emotion.
Love fits the facts of a situation when loving a person, animal, or object enhances the quality of life for you or for those that you care about. Love also fits the facts of the situation when loving a person, animal or object increases your changes of attaining your own personal goals.
In other words, love fits the facts of the situation when your overall life is more satisfying, happier, or is line with your personal life goals. When your love is not justified by the facts, or is not effective – meaning it doesn’t work, you then want to act opposite to the emotion. It is important when practicing opposite action as a skill to do it “all the way” – meaning no half-hearted attempts at the skill.
What are the action urges associated with feelings of love? When you love someone, you feel the urge to be with them as much as you would like and spend time with them. You often find yourself thinking of the other person, doing nice things for them, or showing them affection.
The OPPOSITE ACTIONS for love are first to avoid the person.
Don’t text them, don’t call, and don’t stalk their Facebook page or other social media. “All-the-way” opposite action means avoiding everything that reminds you of the person you love. Pictures, messages, emails, belongings, and little mementos need to be put away, thrown out or deleted.
It also means no following them, waiting for, or showing up places you think you might run into them. That also includes in video games, social media, and other online activities. No contact means no contact. The more you continue to have contact with people, places and things that remind you of your love, it will only reinforce unjustified feelings of love and prolong the hurt you are feeling.
Another action urge associated with feelings of love is expressing those feelings for the person to them, or even to friends.
To do the OPPOSITE ACTION of love, you want to withdraw warmth and don’t act friendly towards them. That doesn’t mean being rude or aggressive, it means to stop talking about them, especially on social media. This can be a really difficult step, as many people want to maintain some level of contact with their ex love. Once again, this only prolongs the inevitable and takes that much longer to be ready to move on.
In some situations, you may not be able to totally avoid being around them, but to use the skill, you have to adjust your way of interacting with them. This is particularly hard when you have to work with your ex-love. It means that you have to be mindful of your actions. Avoid staring, leaning in towards him or her, and getting into their personal space. These actions communicate a level of intimacy that no longer exists, so you do not want to continue to act like it does. No more flirty looks, or stopping by their desk or office to say hello.
Taking these steps may be difficult, but they will help you heal your heartache and move you forward to get on with your life. Clearing up your emotions from the past will help you to make room for new experiences. Instead of putting your energy into an ex who isn’t interested in you, it frees you up to find someone who will return your feelings and bring you the love you deserve.
Everyone is deserving of love, acceptance, and affection and it is important not to settle for less in a relationship.
Empower yourself to let go of the past, heal, and find the love you want in your life.
If you need help moving on after a breakup, call me at (315) 520-8234 or hit the contact me button to schedule a free phone consult to see if we would be a good fit to work together.
